Which brings me to a very crucial thing I must state, and please believe this is not a statement made in vain or self denial, this is a discovery I made about twelve minutes into my first AA meeting: I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I'm simply not, I can go many stretches without drinking, I can have one drink, I don't have any situation of significance involving drunken lunacy in public (privately is a different matter). No one in my life believes I need AA, which is making the commitment that much more of a challenge. My mother continues to get completely shit-faced in my presence not truly understanding the struggle I am dealing with. I just simply felt the drinking was out of control, I felt the wake-up-take-a-swig-of-whiskey-to-numb-the-aching-throat-from-cough was a bit unmanageable. It just all felt wrong and I can't pinpoint an exact second I realized I had a problem but I will be the first to admit my addiction issues are far less severe than 9 out of 10 people in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Sobriety is in some senses quite refreshing. I handled beers all day at work one weekend and didn't drink. I wanted to, but I held off despite the crack of the cans opening all around me. I watched bands play that night, amazing musicians filled with rock'n'roll fury barely witnessed once a year, and I was free of toxins. Seeing a band I love play with no booze, no weed, no hallucinogens or any of that in my system was incredible. I couldn't believe the jolt I got from the music alone.
And so be it. I would like to think one day I can switch to a social drinker in full control living life gracefully and undertaking a night of drinking with caution and care but more than that I hope that I will always remember what it's like to feel this way. What it's like to know that I'm not destroying my body from the inside out.