Saturday, August 9, 2008

Bruised, tattered, worn, broken hearted and finished.

With the recent passing of a cystic I didn't even know, had never even spoke to, I'm fed up.  I'm done with it.  I sat my ass on my couch and cried for a good hour today just thinking about what a miserable disease this is.  I thought about how I don't mind my insides rotting...  *** *** *** ******, and all the rest of you who I care for so deeply...  I don't want your life to be wasted.  

I want you to be well.  I want you to be happy and care free.

In these wishes, I'm feeling the need to disassociate myself from the online community for a while.  It's just all too much.  I'm feeling like Cat Stevens.  My heart is too big and too open to let more sick and dying people in.  I have a hard enough time caring for myself at this point that somehow it seems useless to form more relationships with people that will leave me.

This is an absolutely insane conclusion, I know.  I know because I've had people leave me for the same reasons.  I'm not leaving anyone-- I'm just closing the option of adding more dead friends to the list.  

It's all too much.

From blue lips I say, I am not leaving you but I want you to live.

***Edited on Saturday, August 16th to remove name and web address.  


Amy said...

Her passing kicked me in the stomach too. I had only "spoken" to her in her blogs but each and everyone touched me. CF fucking sucks and it takes the kindest and nicest people from our lives.

I worry endlessly about every single friend I have made with CF. Especially those that I am watching become sicker every day. I don't want to lose them and sometimes I wonder if not knowing them would be easier. But each one has touched my life in a different way and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I am glad you aren't leaving us completely and I hope someday you again open up to new friends. They are invaluable :)


environmental fiend said...

Hey Mel.

I guess I found your blog at an akward time... I hope your break from cf-land does you well. I know what you mean, things get hard sometimes. Really, really hard. We sign ourself up to this wonderful community but then we are repeatedly exposed to mounds and mounds of tragedy - more than people are made to endure.

Anyway, I'll keep checking back and hope to see you writing again soon.

love ya,